August 29, 2012

The years keep rolling by.

I have to leave for work in 6 hours... I should most definitely be sleeping right now, but instead I'd like to take a moment and get all sentimental up. in. here.

One year ago I was driving across the country, everything I owned in tow, to be a nanny in New York.  I knew it was a little lot crazy, but experience has taught me that awesome things always are. And what a great/weird/hard/adventurous year it was. I wouldn't change a thing. The bleh times all led to something better. I'm sad it went by so fast, and also just incredibly freaked. Years go by so fast you guys.

Here's to turning 27. I hope it's the greatest/weirdest/hardest/most adventurous year yet.

Next up: A love letter to NYC. (Hold me to it, guys.)

June 22, 2012

30 things not to do before I'm 30

I don't want to freak you guys out or anything, but in 10 years I'll be 3 years away from preparing to turn 40 (FORTY), so basically my geriatric years aren't that far away at all because 10 years ago I was 16 and now here I am, 26, even though sometimes I still feel like I'm 16 until I realize I'm not... not even close. I'm practically 40.  I want to make the most of the 3.3 years I have left as a twenty-something, and nothing makes people feel better about impending birthdays like crazed goal setting! I've made ambitious to-do lists before and while fun to read, they never come to fruition... to much doing and not enough not doing. That's really where I shine. 

I'm so excited to not do all of these things. 

  • Swim with whale sharks
  • Swim with any kind of shark 
  • Run a marathon 
  • Sing in public
  • Visit Las Vegas
  • Gut a fish
  • Learn how to pole dance 
  • Give up caffeine
  • Pee on my leg (aka camping)
  • Participate in a flash mob
  • Live without my iPhone
  • Have anything to do with a maternity photo shoot
  • Post 3D ultrasound pictures on Facebook
  • Give a stranger my number 
  • Care about making my bed
  • Care about winning a game of miniature golf
  • Become a Reality TV star
  • Ride a mechanical bull
  • Watch any of the Transformer movies
  • Spend NYE in Times Square
  • Master fencing
  • Get into Harvard
  • Learn to yodel
  • Two words: Fantasy football
  • Three words: Matching couple tattoos
  • Sail around the world in 80 days
  • Drink a gallon of milk in under an hour
  • Be the inspiration for a Taylor Swift song
  • Shave my head 
  • Contract a terminal disease

I'm right on track to not accomplish any of this! It feels good. Bring it on, 30! 

May 18, 2012

Careers I'm Considering

Ride my bike across the country
That's a job. Somewhere there is someone who would pay me to do that.

Makeup artist
I really think I'd love it. I might hate it though.

Read beat poetry in coffee shops
I've never done this, but I'd happily do it for at least a year if it involves cash. Does it?

Dog trainer
Think Dog Whisperer, only there would be a whole lot of yelling involved.

Own a family-run dog kennel
Think The Lucky One, only Zac Efron would [most likely] not be there.

Purse purchaser
I have a gift for knowing which purse you should buy and which purse you should never buy, like that one from Chinatown that looks like it cost $5 because you paid $5 for it.

Cat photographer to the stars
The "to the stars" part is how I plan to make my bajillions.

Private investigator
I'm nosey, I know how to use the Internet, I have a really good sense of direction, and I blend in. Enough said.

NYC Taxi driver
I'm telling you, I would excel in this field if I were a middle-aged Indian man.

Documentary film maker
I like watching them. My qualifications end there.

Film critic
Watch movies + be cynical. I can do that! I know I can!

Fiddle player
T Swift's fiddle player.

Open a hostel in Eastern Europe. Call it Easy Breezy Backpacker's Plantation Hostelry
Con: All the STD's I'd contract just from breathing that air.
Pro: All the money I'd save on bras and deodorant.
Con: Even if you put your name all over it, strangers will still eat your leftovers.
Pro: My Twitter bio would read "CEO at Easy Breezy Backpackers Plantation Hostelry. Word to your mother."

Offical ice cream taster
This guy is going to die eventually. All I need is a "dairy degree" and that spoon made of gold will be miiiine.

I use the word "careers" loosely.

January 18, 2012

Trends of today that I hope never go away...

It's not just a dance! (It's not a dance?) This is a trend I know we'll look back on and say "Who let me do that to myself?!" It's double trendy, so it should stay far away from your wedding.  I don't want it to stay too far away though because I loooove it! What's better than a look that says "The last time I had my hair colored was like, 2 years ago!"  Oh that I could grow my roots out for the rest of my life, call it "Ombre", and be accepted into trendy social circles with open arms...

Here's something interesting - I took this picture while watching an episode of Friends that aired in 2003.  Jennifer Aniston knew what was up 7 years before the rest of us. She always does. 

Natural Eyebrows 
I love eyebrows. The natural kind. My eyebrows are nowhere near perfect, mind you, but it's only because I obsess about them too much, which goes against the very essence of the natural eyebrow. Get my tweezers away from me, I beg you! If I could change my eyebrows right now I'd say yes to any of these options. Yes. Yes. Yes!

Please, let's never go back to the eyebrows I'm about to show you - our *3rd favorite teenage witch, circa 90's.  See how her eyebrows ruin her face and also sorta kinda make her look like she belongs on a street corner? No? You don't see it? Well, they do. The pink bra has nothing to do with it. It's all about the eyebrows, which by the way, aren't doing any favors for her droopy eye. Has anyone ever called her out on that, do you think?

Winged/thick top liner/cat eye/Taylor Swift/Adele
It makes eyes so much more appealing. I won't ever let Taylor Swift give it up. I won't!

Straight leg/skinny jeans
I know, I know - let me explain! The boots go over the pants. That's it. That's all it took to convert me for life. I'm sure my mom is right - a nice bootcut jean does proportion me nicely. I don't care. Remember when we had to wear flares. It was the only option. And they had to drag on the ground. That was gross. The bottom 4 inches of your pants were always wet, you know they were. Let's make a pact to keep with what we've got going on in 2012 - anything goes! Feel like flares today? Okay! Bootcut? Sure! Skinny? Anyone can try it! Leggings? Try to cover that booty with a shirt, but if not - whatever! Boyfriend cut is cool too. There's never been a better year for legwear equality.

Pants. In. Boots.

Colored/patterned tights (not as pants)
I love them so much. Don't take them away from me.

Zooey Deschanel
I hope she's always as cool as she is right now. I hope this always looks good. I hope I never think this is outdated. I hope nothing ever changes.

*2nd is Alex Russo. If you don't know the 1st then you don't deserve to know. 

January 17, 2012

Why I'll vote Mitt and you should too.

I'm prepared to receive a certain amount of backlash in the coming months. I'm sure I'll hear things like you just don't know who else to vote for - or - you put no real thought into this at all. I'm not political, so let's not pretend like I am. I get most of my information from Twitter. Or Colbert. Or I will occasionally watch debate clips the next day online. I'm not a total idiot. Anyway, the information I've collected so for in support of Mitt is rock solid. So don't you tell me I haven't put any thought into this, pffft.


He is 65.
But he only looks 45.

He doesn't waste his time on stupid questions. 
When asked if he would support a law to ban contraception he replied, "Contraception, it's working just fine.  Just leave it alone." Good answer.

He instills confidence. 
If he's nervous on the inside, he doesn't show it on the outside. I trust him like I trusted Liam Neeson in Taken.  That's the kind of guy who should be leading the free world.

Foreigners will love him!
He looks more Presidential than any actor in any movie ever did. Not even Harrison himself could achieve such perfectly salted sideburns.

Shock factor. 
What's more shocking than a black president named Barack Hussein Obama? A Mormon one named Mitt!

They're, like, totally in right now!

He's not in denial. 
He is the only Republican candidate who believes in man-made global warming, which leads me to believe he's the only candidate who has watched at least 1 of the available documentaries on Netflix.

We need an intimidating president.
He has perfected the "I think you're a huge idiot, but I'm going to pretend like I'm listening" grin. When executed just right this technique is extremely intimidating, but when he adds his signature "You can't be serious" chuckle, it. is. deadly.

He's just like the rest of us. 
See, he tweeted a picture of himself flying coach to prove it:

Speaking of Twitter...
Mitt's latest: The President has run out of ideas. Now, he's running out of excuses. And 2012 will be the year he runs out of time. That's poetry right there.

He speaks French. 


That's all I've got so far.

January 12, 2012


DEAR 10 YEAR-OLD: What are doing with an iPhone? Like, seriously. How did that get there? In your hands. Last I checked you can't rollerblade down small hills or use an oven. I love my iPhone in a sick never leave me or I won’t have the strength to live sort of way, but it took me years to get here. My generation made it into our late teens without much help from the internet, thank you very much. Do you know what it’s like to search for page B7 of a Newspaper to see what movies are playing that week? Of course you don’t. Us twenty-somethings were given a little here and a little there, until finally we graduated with an advanced degree in “I’m Invincible! ”  But along the way we learned that while the internet is our best best friend, it is also a very real enemy.


When I was 15 I opened my first email account. I would occasionally go to school early and check my messages in the computer lab. Of the 3 people who knew my email address at least 2 of them were always in the computer lab with me, so it was really just a lame game we liked to play.

At 16 I got my first cell phone. It was called Samsung Eclipse and it looked like a small spacecraft. The only thing I did with it was answer my Mother's phone calls. None of my friends had cell phones in High School. Texting wasn’t mainstream until I was 18, not to mention it cost a pretty penny (Like, literally 2 pennies per text.)
I went through high school collecting gel pens and killing a lot of innocent trees. Paper notes were everywhere. In lockers, outside lockers, hidden inside a friends shoe, on cars, on the door of the fast food restaurant where your friend works. It was a much simpler time. But actually, now that I think about it -- kind of a huge hassle.

I joined MySpace while it was still in its prime and ever so scandalous. My “Top Friends” consisted of 6 people, only 1 of which I actually knew. At 21 I joined Facebook, using my college issued email address. So, naturally, I feel very entitled. I grew with Facebook as it went from obscure past time to daily routine. I watched as Mothers and Grandmothers slowly discovered the Internet. (Do you think we’ll ever convince them that typing a full "" is not necessary?) Before I knew it children were joining in and I've watched as they’ve claimed the Internet as their personal playground. As far as I'm concerned, 21 is the perfect age to enter the world of social networking. No one should have to deal with online personas and status updates in High School. I get a twitch in my spine just thinking about it.

By 25 I had my hands on an iPhone. Finally, after 10 years of preparation I had earned the right to read my email on the toilet.  Not only that, but also my brain was fully developed before I was able to follow Justin Bieber's every move on Twitter.


DEAR BELIEBERS, SPECIFICALLY THOSE IN POSSESSION OF AN IPHONE: You're not going to marry him. You're not. If there's anything I know in this world I know that. I've been a teenage girl before, so I know that In the back of your mind you're still thinking there's a chance. Justin never says never, so if he won’t tell you I will: Never. Nope. Never going to happen. Justin will grow wings, discover life on other planets, and crown himself King of Swiss cheese before he marries you. Best you come to terms with it now before you waste one more second sending him tweets from your @iwillmarryJustinordie account. I sympathize with you, I really do. I used to lay in bed and listen to Backstreet Boys songs that I recorded from the radio onto a cassette tape and wonder what kind of a husband Kevin Richardson would be.  I still think he’d be a good one. I never told any of this to Kevin, though. Of course not. What was I to do? Send fan mail? I could have mailed a pencil sketch of our future children, but that would have required a certain amount of effort - like folding paper and buying stamps. With Justin just a click away I fear the thick line between normal teen behavior and devoting all your time to stalking a stranger is becoming less and and less clear to you.


I have a point, so here it is : 10 year-olds have iPhone’s in their pockets. And when an 10 year-old needs a picture of cheeks for a school project they know well enough not to search "cheeks", so they search "dimples" instead. They still end up seeing a wrinkly old rear. That's the kind of crazy-ass world we live in, folks.

PARENTS: Stop giving iPhones to minors.